Does My Baby Need To Learn To Self-Soothe?
By Kimberley Fernandez - CLD, Baby-Led Sleep & Wellness Specialist
Kimberley has been working with pregnant and new families in their birth and postpartum journey since 2006, and currently supports families in the early days of life with their newborn and sleep support up to age four. You can find out more on the website. Sleep Support Postpartum Support
There is a lot of talk on line about letting your baby to learn to self soothe. And it's often recommended that for them to learn, they be left alone. Alone in a room, crying for you. But that isn't learning to self soothe. That's learning to not trust that your parent, or your safe place will be there when you need them.
Here's the thing. When newborns or babies are crying they need something. We may not know what that is right away. But when they are little, our gut instinct is often to pick them up and give them a cuddle. This is actually a hormonal response to our babies. And this is the response that they need. The crying could be because they are hungry, need a diaper change, scared, lonely, or even disregulated. That is all solved (with the exception of the diaper) by simply picking them up. It helps to meet their needs and regulate them, which will eventually lead to self regulation.
When your baby is a little older or even a toddler, then giving them a cuddle and helping them to work through what is frustrating them, or making them sad or mad, is extremely helpful in getting them to learn how to regulate themselves. How they have been supported in their infancy will help them with their development of self-regulation. Also, we don't always want to shut the crying down or ignore it, but helping them work through it and supporting that crying is key in developing their emotional intelligence. Showing them appropriate behaviour responses, helps them learn how to manage their big feelings as they grow.
According to a study in 2024 on Co-Regulation to Self-Regulation, "Numerous studies show that poor parental co-regulation is associated with impaired self-regulation skills in young children, whereas supportive parental co-regulation is associated with better self-regulation competencies." And "Persistent regulation problems in infancy and early childhood often co-exist with diminished abilities linked to self-regulation, like executive functioning, effortful and cognitive control, executive attention, or working memory. Low self-regulation is also associated with behavioral problems and reduced academic performance during elementary school years, antisocial behaviour in adolescence, as well as low academic competence, increased health issues, and low economic success in adulthood."
Ultimately, self soothing as an infant or baby is impossible because babies first need to co-regulate with their caregiver, as stated previously. Then over the span of their toddler and childhood, they will eventually learn to self-regulate.
Now what does all this have to do with sleep? We expect babies to be able to put themselves back to sleep at very early ages, and biologically we can see this isn't possible as they haven't learned self regulation yet. So when they wake in the middle of the night for whatever reason, they still need to you help get them back to sleep. Eventually, if they are developing their own mechanisms for regulation, they will be able to put themselves back to sleep. But that may not happen until baby is closer to or over a year old.
A great option for them to get themselves back to sleep is having a lovey or a teddy/stuffy/ blankie (often one that smells like you) to help them snuggle and get them back to sleep if they wake up. But safety wise, this is not recommended until your baby is over a year old.
So try not to get caught up in the whole self soothing debate. Snuggle and cuddle your baby, they will develop the ability to get themselves back to sleep eventually, especially when they feel safe and supported by you.
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